...But Who's Loving Me???
I am a LOVER! Lover of GOD, my son, food, helping people, positive energy and the ocean. I pour myself into making sure that everyone and everything is GREAT for others, that is the heart that GOD gave me. I plant seeds in people; seeds of hope, LOVE, strength and belief in self. Yesterday, I celebrated my 38th birthday and reflected on my life…I have accomplished many things; I am blessed. However, as I reflected on my life, I realized that in all my blessings (health, life, job, son, roof over my head, money in the bank and food on the table) today in this place I AM UNHAPPY. Then I questioned, how can I be blessed and unhappy??? Am I being selfish? Am I being ungrateful? NO! I appreciate and thank GOD for everything HE has given and taken away from me. I thank HIM for every obstacle and I even thank HIM for this unhappy season. But the question remains, WHY AM I UNHAPPY? What I stumbled upon was the fact that while I am LOVING everyone else, I forgot to LOVE me. I planted seeds into the lives of everyone else except ME!
O.M.G!!!! When did this happen? How did this happen? Why did this happen? What happened? Think Charryse think! There is no one thing that stands out, but over the last 6 years numerous things have occurred that have shook my core! My son went to live with his dad, a romantic relationship died, quit an amazing job, moved from Florida to Philadelphia (where I knew no one), traveled the country planting seeds in others, opened my home and heart to people who hurt and took advantage of me, had a hysterectomy, helplessly watch my father and a dear friend battle life-altering diseases, betrayed by a sister-friend & became frenemies with my best friend. Whew, my head is pounding as I think of it all! Through it all, I kept smiling and kept being the support for others but, I had changed. I closed my heart so that I could continue being everything to everyone. So that I couldn’t and wouldn’t feel the pain from the betrayal, lies, abandonment, anger, fear, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, guilt and failure. WHOA-I feel nauseous.
I also realized that I didn’t take many pictures of myself and blamed it on my weight gain but, if I am honest as I looked at my pictures, I look different…my smile is not as bright and it doesn’t reach my eyes. I avoided pictures (and the mirror) because I didn’t recognize the woman looking back at me (physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally) and may be able to fake the funk with everyone else but, I can’t lie to myself.
Even in my broken place, GOD continued to use me to bless, minister to, plant seeds in and LOVE others but, because my heart was closed I couldn’t receive HIS word for myself. Sigh, so what do I do now?? I make the easiest decision and most difficult action, I CHANGE! I have to find ME! I have to plant seeds in myself. I have to get back to LOVING ME.
I am taking a one-year journey beginning TODAY July 28, 2015. This is my first step towards healing. I am going to LOVE myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I recognize that this is going to be hard because change is hard. I have to snatch the layers of band-aides off and feel all that I have avoided in these 6 years. I have to forgive others and myself. I have to LOVE me. GOD has trusted me with so much in this broken place, what will HE trust me with when I am WHOLE. I AM WORTH IT. I DESERVE IT. Aren’t you? Don’t you?
photo cred: WomenOnTheirWay.com